mojotastic

So! I think we all know that I love a good bad movie so on the recommendation of the evol cilly I decided to watch The Room. I gathered some beer and my partner in bad-movie-watching pinkspots and we watched the crap out of that movie.

And not only was it a bad movie, it was in fact the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. I just...there aren't even WORDS. I WAS SPEECHLESS AT THE END. Without speech! So, without further ado:




First off, note that I wrote 'experience' and not 'watch'. This movie is just....it's so epically bad that you can't even watch it. To watch this movie is to experience a whole new level of BAD. A level of bad that has not been attained by other worthy movies, like D-Wars. This is a level of BAD where nothing makes sense and the very conventions of filmaking itself are just.......IT'S SO BAD GUYS.

Secondly, the official description of The Room is this: "The Room" is an American black comedy about love, passion, betrayal and lies.

LOLxInfinity! NO IT ISN'T! The basic "plot" of The Room is that Johnny and Lisa are engaged and getting married at some point in the future. Throughout the movie this wedding is always a month off, regardless of how much time has passed. Then Johnny doesn't get his promotion at the bank and Lisa is like "IDK I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE!" and starts banging his best friend Mark. (They mention that Mark is his best friend in every scene. I'm not even joking.) And.....that's mostly it.

It includes like three horrible sex scenes in the first 20 minutes, all scored with the most insane music with deep lyrics like You are my rose you are my rose you are my rose or I will run through a forest of flame! I will!. There are a ton of really insane subplots that pop up and disappear for no reason whatsoever. The entire film takes place in that stupid room with the spiral staircase with brief detours to the roof. But in case people forget where it takes place, there are insanely long shot tracking shots of San Franciso. There's a lot to love/mock/change-your-life in this movie so I just picked some of my favorite parts to picspam/vid spam.

#1: FOOTBALL! Let's play catch from three feet away from each other!


Pretty much every character just randomly carries a football around with them for no reason. Like they will be at some undisclosed location with a football and someone will be like "LET'S PLAY CATCH!" Which is totally what people do. I mean, who doesn't bring around a football just in case a good game of catch seems immenient? Totally understandable. However, while playing catch the characters are always like THREE FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. Literally, they could just reach out and touch the other person, that is how close they stand. Catch: you're doing it wrong. Also, in one of my favorite WTF moments of the movie, the characters decide to all go play catch in tuxedos. (Why are they in tuxedos? Who knows! It's never explained! Preparation for the wedding that's in a month maybe? Just felt like getting fancy to play catch?)

I have to say some of my favorite moments though are when they *don't* play catch. So instead one of the characters is just randomly carrying around a football for no reason. And they're like "Want to play catch?" and the other character is like IDK I HATE CATCH NOW and then Johnny looks sad.
#2: Let's All Drink Scotchka!!



So Lisa decides for whatever reason that she really wants to get Johnny drunk. (No really, it seems like it's for some nefarious purpose and then....nothing happens?) So she's all like "Here have a drink bb!" And he's like "No! For I cannot! I don't drink!" And she brings in these glasses of scotch and I'm like ok. BUT THEN SHE POURS VODKA INTO THEM!! Crittawha?! I'm pretty sure I turned to pinkspots and was like "Did she just pour vodka into that scotch?!" So then he's like "I can't drink that!" And like of course you can't and not go BLIND. DON'T DRINK THE SCOTCHKA! But then she gets all weird and is like "If you love me you'll drink it!" And the next thing you know he's pounding down the Scotchka like a freaking Red Bull and she has his tie randomly on her head. I'd make more fun of her for the tie thing but I'm sort of impressed they are both standing. Lesson: Scotchka fucks you up. Don't try at home!
#3: I'm Dying! I definitely have breast cancer....LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN!

Picking a favorite scene in this movie is what I imagine picking a favorite child would be like. They are all special-bad in their own way. Even still, this has to be a personal favorite. Lisa is talking to her mother who is complaining about something and just randomly goes 'AND I'M DYING LOL! Breast cancer!" And Lisa just kind of gives her this bitchface like "Ugh! Why is it always about you! I have relationship problems I want to talk about mother!" But the most magical part of this whole scene is that no one ever mentions it again! Just as mysteriously as it pops into the movie, it pops back out NEVER TO BE MENTIONED AGAIN.

#4: Denny: Looks like he's 30, acts like he's 5, is in fact 18, <3s drugs and Lisa.


So Denny is this kid who is an orphan that Johnny takes care of? Although he sort of looks like he's 18 going on 30 and dresses like a stylish grandpa. But the weirdest thing is definitly the fact that he acts like he is about five years old. In the first scene he just randomly walks into their house, then walks upstairs where they are having a pillow fight on the bed (LOL GUYS I KNOW) and then JUMPS into the middle of the bed all 'yay pillow fighhhhtttt! Threesome time guyyysss!' And they have to tell him to leave. He pops in and out of their house this way all the time apparently.

In another scene he's talking to Lisa and just squats down on the floor for no apparent reason like little kids sometimes do. WHO IS THIS KID?! He's pretty hilarious throughout the entire movie actually.

In another scene he tells Johnny that he's in love with Lisa. And Johnny is like "lulz oh young love! See you really see Lisa like a mother. A mother you want to have sex with! You love Lisa like family. Creepy family!" And Denny is like "Ok! That makes sense! Also I'm in love with this other random girl I just mentioned now and will never mention again and we're going to get married someday! Just like you and Lisa!" Throughout the movie he remains WAY too emotionally invested in Lisa and Johnny's relationship, like a little 5/18/30 year old stalker.
#5: What kind of drugs are you on?! ......WE'LL NEVER KNOW!


I wish I could find a video of this scene up somewhere, because it is probably the best bad acting I have ever seen! Some random drug dealer finds Denny on the roof and is like "Give me my money bitch! Or I will pop a cap in yo ass!" And then Johnny and Mark (Johnny's best friend) save him! Lisa and her mom confront him and the whole time they're just like "DRUGS OMG DRUGS OMG DRUGS OMG DRUGS!?!" And also they ask him "WHAT ARE YOU TAKING?" about five million times. Hilariously, he never actually answers them. What is he taking? Herion? Crack? Weed? Huffing glue? Who knows?! This is yet another subplot that comes out of nowhere randomly and then disappears just as suddenly but it is even more awesome for all the YELLING and ~ACTING~ and drama that it brings.
#6: The awful green-screen roof shots!


I just....I don't think I've ever seen green-screen this bad before in my entire life. IT'S SO BAD. Look at the way that like half of their faces are cut off by sky! It looks like what happens when someone who's really bad at photoshop decides to cut people out and then put them on different backgrounds! ONLY IN A MOVIE. OMG IT'S SO BAD! I couldn't stop laughing. And pretty much all of the rooftop scenes are like that. They just sort of popped in the San Francisco skyline into the background and were like "That looks awesome! SPECIAL EFFECTS ARE AWESOME!"

Also, in the second set of caps Mark (Johnny's best friend) and Peter, a random psychologist friend of theirs are talking. And Peter is like "You're having an affair with Lisa aren't you?" And this causes Mark and his beard SO MUCH RAGE that he grabs Peter and fakely dangles him off the building. Then he lets go of Peter and in a voice with no inflection is like "Oh. My bad. Sorry about that." And Peter, who just got dangled off a roof is like "Oh, it's cool dude. We all have those days!" OMGWTFPOLARBEAR?
#7: YOU ARE TEARING ME APART LISA!!


You know how before I said that picking a favorite scene would be like picking the most special snowflake? Well I lied. THIS IS THE BEST SCENE EVER PUT TO FILM! So Lisa tells her mom that Johnny hit her (Did he? Who knows!) and somehow he finds out she said this (How? Who knows!) and confronts her. And he's like "I did naht hit you lisa! YOU ARE TEARING ME APART LISA!" It's just...it's the finest acting job of this or any generation I'm pretty sure. Don't believe me about the awesome-ness of this scene? See for yourself:
#8: Chicken Noises!!


You know how all the members of the Bluth family on Arrested Development had their own chicken dance? This is exactly like that! In one scene everyone does their own version of the chicken thing to Peter, who doesn't want to play football in his tux. (Who doesn't want to play football in a tux?!) The funniest part of this scene, besides all the various chicken noises is that Mark's chicken dance is just sort of balling his hands into fists and moving them back and forth at his sides! LOL!

Then at the end of the movie when Johnny finds out about ~the affair~ he taunts Mark with the most hilarious chicken noises I've ever heard in my entire life. He's like "Are you chicken? CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!" Like his chicken noises sound like what I imagine a baby chicklet would sound like. It's incredible. I could not stop laughing. I think we maybe rewound that part more than once to watch it over. I couldn't find just that scene on youtube, but fortunately it is at the end of this fairly amazing remix (which is NSFW due to swearing):
#9: All the ~classic~ lines!
There are so many amazing lines in this movie that I felt I had to share just a few of them. But believe me. There are SO MANY MORE.

Johnny comes out onto the roof and yells about how he did NAHT hit Lisa. It's awesome because I imagine he's just been running all around town, yelling about how he did NAHT hit Lisa and then throwing water bottles at people. It's awesome. Then he sees Mark and completely forgets about all his yelling and screaming and manpain and is like "OH HI!"

Here's another amazing scene. What's the greatest part of this scene isn't the insightful dialouge (Hi Doggie!) but is instead the fact that the audio has been looped very badly onto the scene. BUT not only that, but I guess the writer/producer/director/star felt it would be more natural it they TALKED OVER EACH OTHER AT A MILLION MILES AN HOUR? So the dialouge is just two people talking really fast on top of each other and it's hilarious!


Another truly amazing scene. Here is the ACTUAL DIALOUGE:
Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh pretty good. We got a new client... at the bank. We make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I can not tell you, its confidential.
Mark: Oh come on. Why not?
Johnny: No I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life?
LOLLOLOLOLOLOL! THAT WAS TOTALLY ON TOPIC! Isn't this how you talk to your friends?
#10: Who Doesn't Frame Pictures of SPOONS?!

There are just so many things wrong/right/wrong with this movie. But the framed picture of the SPOON has to be one of the funniest. Apparently at the midnight screenings people bring plastic spoons to throw at the screen, Rocky Horror style.

I just....there's really nothing else you can say about this movie. It's just THAT EPIC. I urge everyone to track down a copy and view it for themselves. It's the experience of a lifetime. You will learn things about life, about love, about cinema and about yourself. It is possible that when the movie goes off, you will stare, unblinking at the screen for five minutes in complete shocked silence and begin every sentence with "I just...I don't..." That's ok. That's the power of The Room.

Want more reasons to watch The Room? How about the insanity of writer/producer/director/actor Tommy Wiseau that's on full display in this article? Sample quote: And I did research. For example, drug problems. What are the drugs in society? When a person is born, how does this happen? What is the cause and effect? LOLOLOL!

Also? Celebrities love it too! Kristen Bell loves it! She spends like half of this interview talking about it. Jimmy Kimmel literally has to get her off the subject and get her to pimp her *own* movie. She looked so sad when he changed the subject!

Also, I guess she got Piz/Dell/Chris Lowell into The Room because he showed up at the recent midnight screening in NYC.

If I haven't convinced you to give this cinematic masterpiece a try at this point, you apparently don't love bad movies as much as I do. (Which, probably, is a good thing?) THE ROOM is seriously the Citizen Kane of bad movies.


-Please don't steal/hotlink my caps. I honestly have no idea why you would but I figured I'd mention it just to be safe.

-Enjoy the picspam!